The Power of Pause: Helping Young Children Build Distress Tolerance Through Connection

One of the most powerful tools we can give young children doesn’t come in a box, an app, or a curriculum. It’s the pause.

In a world that moves quickly - and where adults often feel pressure to respond instantly - learning when to pause, how to pause, and why pausing matters can make an enormous difference in a child’s development. This gentle space between a child’s distress and our response is where growth happens. It’s where emotional regulation is born, resilience takes root, and children learn both “I can handle this” and “I’m not alone.”

What Is Distress Tolerance?

Distress tolerance is a child’s ability to experience uncomfortable feelings - frustration, sadness, uncertainty, sensory overload, disappointment - without becoming overwhelmed. It doesn’t mean “not feeling upset.” It means having the inner capacity to stay regulated enough to keep going, try again, or reach out for help in healthy ways.

For young children, this is a skill that develops over time through warm relationships, co-regulation, and experiences in which the adult stays close, supportive, and calm.

Why Pausing Matters

When a child is upset, our instinct may be to jump in immediately; to fix, soothe, direct, or rescue. This is completely natural and comes from a caring place. But stepping in too quickly can unintentionally rob children of opportunities to:

• Problem-solve independently

• Practice emotional regulation strategies

• Build frustration tolerance

• Learn their own capacities and strengths

The pause is not about withholding support. It's about creating a moment where the child has a chance to try before we do it for them.

The Science Behind the Pause

Young children’s brains are wired for connection. When adults stay nearby, emotionally available, and calm, children borrow that regulation. Over time, those repeated experiences strengthen neural pathways responsible for self-regulation, executive functioning, emotional literacy and social problem-solving. That means every time we pause we're supporting brain development in real time.

Interdependence vs. Dependence: Finding the Balance

A common misconception is that helping children or offering comfort makes them “dependent.” In reality, healthy development always begins with dependence. Babies and toddlers need co-regulation long before they can self-regulate. Preschoolers still rely deeply on adults to scaffold emotions, problem-solve together, and feel safe exploring the world.

The goal isn’t independence at all costs.The goal is interdependence - a balanced, connected, reciprocal relationship where the child knows help is available, the adult trusts the child’s abilities and supports them based on need and strategies are modeled, practiced, and internalized over time.

Interdependence is where courage grows. Children take bigger risks, try new things, and tolerate frustration because they know a steady adult is within reach.

What the Pause Looks Like in Practice

Pausing is not the same in every situation, and it never means ignoring distress. Instead, think of it as intentional waiting with connection.

Here are a few examples:

1. The Toy That Won’t Fit Together

Instead of immediately fixing it:“Hmm… that looks tricky. I’m right here. Want to try turning it a different way?”

Wait.

Watch.

Support as needed.

2. A Child Starting to Get Frustrated

Move closer.

Use a calm voice.

Slow the moment down.

“You’re working so hard. Let’s take a breath together.”

3. A Social Conflict

Rather than directing the solution:“I see two people who both want the same toy. Let’s take a moment. What could we try?” Offer options if emotions keep rising.

4. Sensory Overload

Provide grounding support without rushing to distract or remove the child:“I’m here. Your body feels overwhelmed. Let’s pause and breathe together.” Then follow their cues.

How Pausing Builds Habits for Life

When adults practice the pause, children learn powerful lifelong lessons. They begin to understand that feelings - even the uncomfortable ones - are safe and temporary. Big emotions don’t signal danger; they are experiences they can move through with support.

Pausing also nurtures confidence. When children are given a moment to try first, they receive the message: “My adult trusts me, so I can begin to trust myself.” This builds a sense of competence and agency.

At the same time, children learn that help is always available. Support doesn’t vanish - it's simply offered after they’ve had the space to explore what they can do on their own.

The result is a foundation of being both capable and connected, a key combination that fuels secure attachment and resilience. These skills become the building blocks for later executive functioning, mental health, and school readiness.

Tips for Practicing the Pause as an Adult

Pausing can feel uncomfortable at first. Many adults worry it looks like “doing nothing,” or fear being judged. But with practice, it becomes a powerful parenting and teaching strategy.

Try:

• Slow your body before your words. Children feel your energy before they hear your instructions.

• Narrate support without taking over. “I’m here. I see what you’re working on.”

• Watch for competence cues. Is the child still trying? Still curious? Emotionally regulated enough to continue?

• Jump in with, not over. Join the moment, don’t override it.

• Use the pause to observe. What skills are emerging? What strategies are they trying?

The Pause as a Practice, Not a Perfection

There will be days when pausing is easy and days when it feels impossible. That’s normal. The goal is not perfection - it’s awareness. Every time you remember to pause, even for a moment, you’re helping a child grow stronger, braver, and more confident.